It's September 11th.....again.

Today is a hard day for me, and I will explain why. Most everything you see or hear that has anything to do with September 11th has an agenda behind it. Companies and politicians use it for false patriotic dribble. News stories abound about a man that lives in a part of the country with more cows than people who is too terrified to leave his home because of "terrorists". Putting a flag on your SUV does not make you patriotic, try sending a box of cookies to those poor guys stuck in Iraq instead. States that were not affected by this tragedy put up memorials and have ceremonies in a desperate attempt to not be the only state that didn't do it. All of this makes me a bit ill. It's pretentious, it's hypocrisy, it's disgusting. We are far more respectful of Pearl Harbor than we are of 9/11. You might wonder why I have such a strong opinion about this topic, the answer is simple. I was there. I was not in the towers, but I was in Manhattan on that day. I don't shy away from talking about it, but rarely do I go into much details. I will now describe what my experiences were that day, and you decide if waving a flag at a memorial in Arizona does anything other than giving you a false sense of being a good patriotic citizen.

It was Tuesday and the weather was mild. I got on the express bus from Queens to mid-town Manhattan same as any other day. Traffic was neither good nor terrible. I got to work about 10 minutes before 8am, I was nearly always the first person in. Our offices were split into two buildings next to each other. I worked for a while in one office and went downstairs to go back to the other office. Since I was already downstairs, I went outside to have a quick cigarette break before heading up into the other office. I notice a huge plume of smoke coming from downtown. Very black, dark smoke. I watched it as I finished my cigarette. On my way to the elevator, I mentioned it to the security guard who told me that the radio said that a small plane hit the World Trade Center.

I proceeded upstairs and quickly sent my mother an email to let her know that a plane hit the WTC and that my building wasn't very close, and I was fine. News tended to get exaggerated the further west it went, so I didn't want her to worry. I also called my husband and left him a voicemail letting him know so he could check it out on the TV. A co-worker showed up and I told her about it and we found a small radio to listen to the news broadcast. At this time they were still reporting that it was a small private jet. They were on site in front of the building. A few more people trickled in and we all just sat there listening to the broadcast.

The second tower was then struck. The woman on the broadcast couldn't say anything other than Oh My God, over and over. We could hear what sounded like an explosion and people yelling in the background. Then she said - A large plane just hit the second tower, it's on fire. They are both on fire. There were about 6 of us at this point, listening. We all knew that this was no longer a tragic accident. Terrorist was not a word I generally used or thought about, but two of us said at the same time, This is a terrorist attack. There was no mistaking it. One of the girls in the office said, Oh shit, I'm reserves. The lady on the radio was telling us about the fire department trying to get into the buildings, two of the girls were desperately trying to call their husbands on their cell phones. Cell phones weren't working already. My husband called me on my office line. One of the executives walked in at this point, we updated him and he listened to the broadcast with us. The local information wasn't very good, just what they could see first hand. My husband was telling me what they were saying on the news. None of us were quite sure what to do.

My husband then informed me that the Pentagon was struck as well, and they were reporting that there were 2 more missing planes out there. I mentioned to my boss, who was the only executive in the office yet, that we should all leave. He just mostly sat there in a stupor listening to the radio broadcast. In my head, I was marking out my location in the city versus other targets. The Empire State Building was only 2 blocks away. The U.N. was only a few blocks the other direction. On the radio, the mayor announced that bridges and tunnels were closing to anything other than emergency vehicles. The subway was running outbound only. I again, asked my boss to close the office so that we might have a chance to get out of the city. After a few minutes, he finally relented. We turned things off, and quietly left the office.

I wanted to catch the train to Queens as quickly as possible. All I could think about was getting to my family, I had two little children and my husband at home. So I skipped the closest subway station and booked it to Grand Central so that I didn't have to make a transfer. I could see the smoke which was now white at the base looking towards downtown. When I got to Grand Central it was locked up tight and armed police were stationed outside. At this point, I realized that it was a target as well. I hadn't even considered that before, to me it was just a big train station. So, I walked as fast as I could to the Lexington station. This was already locked up as well and completely empty. Cell phones still did not work. So, I got into line for a pay phone. I called my husband and let him know that I couldn't get out via the subway, and that I was going to try to walk over the 59th st bridge. He informed me at this point that one of the towers just fell. The woman behind me in line for the phone overheard me and asked if she could join me crossing the bridge. Of course, I said. I told my husband I loved him and would call him when I got to Queens. He said his father was coming over and they would try to pick me up when I got to the other side.

By this time, there was no traffic at all, I actually walked straight up the middle of 3rd Ave. It was sort of like the post apocalyptic movies, other than the odd person walking by, there was no one, and it was very very quiet. The scene changed quite a bit when I got to the bridge. I have no idea how many people were doing the same thing that I was, but it was definitely in the hundreds, if not thousands. There were some cops desperately trying to tell people that they couldn't walk on the bridge, but they really couldn't do anything about it. We all just walked past them. The eastbound lanes were blocked up with traffic of people still trying to exit the city, those on foot went on the westbound lanes. When emergency vehicles came through, we parted like the red seas for them.

The bridge was far longer than I had originally thought, walking it gives you a whole new perspective. There were men in business suits, women in high heels, and pregnant women. The weather was actually quite nice, and some of us noticed and were thankful it wasn't too hot out. We talked, but not much and not at all once we got to the middle of the bridge. Then we could see downtown. We could the huge plumes of smoke covering the lower city. We could not see the towers at all. I did not yet know that the second tower had fallen as well. I think it took about an hour to cross the bridge, we weren't walking fast. I stopped at a bodega on the other side and bought a bottle of water. There was a huge line of people at the pay phone, and traffic was intensely bad as the police were blocking off all the roads for emergency vehicles only.

I decided the best course of action was to walk down Northern Blvd and try to get out far enough that my father-in-law could come pick me up. I walked for probably about 3 more miles, found another pay phone. I had been hoping my cell phone would work when I got to Queens, but it did not. I called home, my husband had finally gotten through to our family in Arizona and let them know I was OK and getting out the city. He also told me about the second tower. I let them know where I was and his father set out to pick me up. I sat on the curb with about 6 other people that had been walking with me still. And I waited. I waited for about an hour. I called home again. His father had just returned, there were too many closed off roads for him to get to where I was. I said, OK. I will keep walking and see how much closer I can get.

So, I started walking some more. I am not sure how many more miles I walked, I just kept going. I just wanted to get home to my family. I spotted a Queens bus picking people up, and I ran for it. It didn't go where I was going, but it did go to Main St. in Flushing, where I figured I could catch another bus to home. I swiped my metro card, got on and stood in the crowded bus, thankful to be out of the sun for a bit. It wasn't hot, but spending hours and hours walking in the sun was starting to wear me out. Eventually, the bus got to Flushing. I got off and walked to where I knew the other bus was. This bus was MTA and I did not have to pay any fare. The MTA stopped charging people fares that day. On this bus I actually got to sit down. I had a hard time not falling asleep. It was a 20 minute ride to the bus stop near my house. I walked another 3 blocks to home. Walking inside my house to my family was the biggest feeling of relief I have ever had. It was around 5pm when I got home. I then found out there was only one more plane out there and it crashed in Pennsylvania. Mostly, I figured it was shot down. I still tend to think that is most likely what happened. And, as sad as I am for the families of those on that plane, I think that was the right thing to do. They weren't going to survive anyhow.

The mayor had closed the city on Wednesday. There was no going to work. Just watching the TV and the coverage of it all. I could see the smoke from my house. Thursday, I went to work. I wasn't sure if the Express Bus would be running, so I took the train. I got off at Grand Central and walked to work from there. As, I walked down Lexington Ave, things looked normal except for the photos of the missing covering every bus stop, window, door, and post. I was crying by the time I made it to the office. It was a very somber day, people worked quietly. The only planes that flew over New York City for months were military fighters. They were unnerving, but eventually you got used to it. In fact, the first time I saw a real commercial plane over the city, probably over a year past that day, it made me a bit nervous. The fire burned for what seemed like forever. The smell lingered for quite some time. The week after the 11th, we were all called and told that our CEO said to NOT go into work the next day and to stay off the trains. We complied. Evidently, a doctor he golfed with told him he heard there were possible neurotoxin attacks planned for the subways that day. The FBI came to office to question why we didn't go to work that day. The air quality was so bad that I stopped wearing contacts after the 13th and haven't worn them since. Every holiday there were threats on the News. They raised and lowered our threat levels hourly. And yet, we went to work every day.

I had been to the WTC once before that day. I did not go in the buildings, I just walked through the plaza between them and marvelled at them. I have been to the site only once since. I have a hard time understanding my own feelings about it. I did not personally know anyone that died that day, but I was only 1 step removed from many that did. I raised as much money as I could for my husband's cousin's fire dept company. His company lost 6 men that day. I feel some guilt that I did not try to help. I know there is nothing I could have done, but my only thought that day was to go home to my family. I didn't even consider going down there to try to help. Afterwards, we all coped by just ignoring the variety of threats the News kept saying were going on. You went to work as if nothing would happen and if it did you would deal with it at that time.

All I ask, is be respectful. Wearing red/white/blue or putting a bumper sticker on your car only makes you feel better, it doesn't mean anything to the rest of us. If you want to show your support, bring your local fire department some home cooked food and tell them thank you. Thank your military and your local police. You may not agree with everything they do, but when the shit hits the fan, these are the people that will protect and help you. Actually do something, you can't wear support.