What's next?

Time for some deep thoughts... too bad I'm not skilled like Jack Handy.

Regardless, here are my thoughts on death, or more specifically life after death.

There are many a theory about what happens next. I mean there has to be a sequel right? There's always a sequel! From reincarnation to heaven or the dreaded limbo, there's somewhere to go. Well, these theories are all based on the main idea of having a soul. What is a soul? There really is no standard definition, but most agree that dogs can't have one. So, there's this thing, that we humans have (because we are SO much cooler than monkeys) that makes us different and special (just like Mommy always told us). You can't see it or smell or taste it. Maybe it's made from Iocane powder. Just this unmeasurable, undetectable energy that separates the "real" us from our crappy bodies. OK, well not all of us have crappy bodies, but eventually they all turn to shit, so don't argue with me just yet.

If we can all agree on this soul thing, then when the crappy body it's contained in dies and rots, it has to go somewhere. Because staying in the dieing rotting corpse would royally suck. So where does it go?

Heaven is such a nice idea. For the basis of this article I will stick to Christian theories about this, but if you really look at it, most religions are almost the same with this one. So God, has this awesome place (because he's GOD) and if you are super super good, you can hang with him when you die. There is no pain, no disease, no want for anything. Everybody you know that has died (and wasn't sent the other direction) is waiting just for you, GROUP HUG!! Sounds lovely right?

Sounds like a nightmare to me. I don't really want to hang out with a bunch of people that never did anything remotely interesting in their lives. And not having to want things? Then what in Heaven do you do with your time? If everything is perfect, wouldn't it be obscenely boring?

Then there's that reversal of fortune, Hell. Which, as much as it might not be boring, doesn't sound pleasant at all. I don't need to reiterate all the lovely images that go along with this scene, but I think it's sufficient to say that it probably smells pretty horrible down there.

LIMBO! Honestly, if it was playing the stupid Limbo game for eternity it would be just as bad in my opinion. But it's just nothing. However, you get to be conscious of the nothing. The worst torture of all. Sounds worse than Hell to me. At least in Hell you might get to see some of you long lost friends from college (even if they are being flayed at the time).

Then there's that altruistic reincarnation theory. Sounds great! Get to come back again and again, and different each time! Even get that whole karma thing going so if you were an asshat you could come back as a dung beetle. If you were awesome you could be a UNICORN! OK, maybe not a unicorn, but that would be great. Problem is that your odds are much better at coming back as a cockroach or a mosquito since there's only so many damn unicorns out there, er tigers or whatever it is that you actually wanted to be... And honestly, how do you know that being a tiger is really all that? Maybe tigers only eat people because they are jealous and miserable that their life sucks so much?

Ghosts! So you can maybe come back and be the best peeping tom of all time! You can see them, they can't see you unless you try really really hard. You can scare the poop right out of teenagers just for fun. At least it wouldn't be tiresome. This definitely sounds like the best option so far.

I don't have any answers. Just thoughts. I tend to think that the odds are greatly against any of the above being accurate in any way. But there's only one way to find out, and I'm not ready.