depression

I've always battled with depression. I have never had a good self image. Never thought much good about myself, although I've always tried to be a good person to others. Just not to myself. Well, it's come around. I had my worst nightmares (literally - I have had nightmares about this) come real this weekend at the dentist. I let problems get far out of control. I was in permanent denial. If it doesn't hurt it can't be that bad right? Then it gets that bad, then I was convinced I couldn't afford to take care of it, and still didn't hurt - so push off till later. Well, I'm finally being somewhat mature about it, and doing it, no matter how much it costs and how much it hurts. I have been ashamed about my teeth for such a long time, I just stopped even thinking about them. Now I'm ashamed in many more ways. This is very much my fault. Being afraid wasn't a good reason not to handle it in the first place. Now everyone knows and I feel like an super sized ass. I can't imagine anyone thinking anything good about me right now. I've fucked up, royally, caused my family a huge debt, let alone the shame I get to feel. I'm doing it now though, hurts like a bitch too. The pain I can handle, the part I have a hard time with is that when the dentist is doing the drilling and filling and whatnot, I can't swallow and I feel like I'm drowning. The hurt is more emotional than physical. I hate myself for letting this happen. I hate what I've done to others, when I always try to make sure I never do that. Sometimes when you think harm to yourself is better than harm to others, you are still harming the others.

Hopefully, I can get past this. My teeth will be fixed soon. I am going no matter how terrified I am every time I show up. No matter how much I know the dentist and people I know think I'm a retard when they see what needs to be done. I am officially reaping what I've sown.